


I'll use you as a focal point (so I don't lose sight of what I want)

by sarahcakes613



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Mild Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-20
Updated: 2020-04-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:46:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23746288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarahcakes613/pseuds/sarahcakes613
Summary: Rafael only says “I love you” when he’s drunk or they’re having sex, and for Sonny, that doesn’t count.Fill of a prompt from the wish list over at theBarisi Fiction Archive.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 31
Kudos: 118





	I'll use you as a focal point (so I don't lose sight of what I want)

**Author's Note:**

> At some point around the end of February I started reading this ship and wound up in a beautiful wormhole of fic and when I saw this prompt, it just wouldn't let me go and I had to write it. So, here's my first foray into my new obsession!

Here’s the thing. It’s not a big deal, really. They’re still defining things, it’s new, it isn’t like he expects a billboard at Broadway & 7th. But still, a guy likes to hear it, you know? And he’s said it, a bunch of times now.

The first time was about two months after they put a name to it. They’ve already disclosed, so there’s no need to hide behind the pretense of dropping something off when Barba stops by the precinct late one night. He brings dinner, thick foil-wrapped sandwiches from Sonny’s favourite banh mi shop. He doesn’t stay to eat, but Sonny catches his wrist as he moves to leave, pulls him in for a soft kiss as thank you, and whispers it against the counsellor’s mouth.

_“I love you.”_

When he pulls back, Barba is looking at him, smiling. He hums, leans up to kiss Sonny gently on the forehead, and then walks out.

And like, it’s okay. Two months isn’t that long, even though the back and forth dance that had them spiraling ever closer to each other had taken up nearly a year before that. He gets it. Barba’s not a demonstrative kind of guy with his emotions. Sonny knows that him not responding in kind doesn’t mean the other man doesn’t love him back.

It’s been six months now, and Sonny still hasn’t gotten over the thrill of saying it. He says it in good morning texts, he says it on the steps of the courthouse, he says it when they argue over the dinner bill.

It’s just, Rafael still hasn’t said it back. Well, not exactly. It almost wouldn’t be so bad if he _never_ said it. The problem isn’t Rafael never saying it back, the problem is that he only seems to do so under very specific circumstances.

It slips out when he’s been drinking, a slur of words whispered wetly against Sonny’s neck as they stumble out of an Uber and into his apartment. Scotch has a way of making Rafael loose, unwinding him after a long day of facing down the worst kind of scum, but it doesn’t put words in his mouth that don’t already belong there. _In cupam veritas_ , and he wants to believe it’s not that Rafael is afraid to say it sober.

It comes out in staccato grunts when they’re in bed, Rafael inside him or tight around him, a sharp gasp as he comes. Rafael loves to talk in bed, loves to tell Sonny how good he feels, how beautiful he is, how much he loves him.

If Sonny starts engineering things so he hears it more, well, that’s between him and the priest on the other side of the confessional.

He doesn’t do anything really bad; he just hedges his bets a little. Offers to buy the next round of drinks when his boyfriend looks ready to leave, maybe encourages Rafael to talk a little more when they’re in bed, because he knows what’s likely to slip out from those soft lips.

He’s not good at hiding what he wants. Sometimes he can’t help the neediness spilling out and he begs for it, because he knows the kinds of things Rafael likes to say.

"Please, Rafi, please. Talk to me."

He never means to, doesn't want to beg, but his voice cracks in the middle of its own volition.

He’s nearly flat on his stomach, legs in a sprawl behind him while the older man pounds into him, breath heavy in his ear.

Lips press into his shoulder, his neck, teeth graze at his earlobe and then a whisper, dark like aged whisky.

_“Te amo, mi querido. Eres mi vida, te amo.”_

It pours into his ear, and combined with the friction of his cock rubbing between his stomach and the bedspread, it is enough to set him off, coming so hard he sees bursts of white light against his eyelids.

And then the next morning it’s back to the usual routine, Sonny saying “I love you” as they part ways at One Hogan and Rafael humming, pulling him in by the tie for one final kiss and a “go get ‘em, tiger”.

He does, in fact, go get ‘em, but his heart isn’t in it, not when he’s left it behind at the DA’s office.

And it wears on a guy, is all. Makes him feel like maybe it’s _him_ , maybe he’s too needy, or too _something_ , because why else wouldn’t Rafael say it when he’s sober and clothed?

And then there is a crunch of metal, a shattering of glass, and Sonny doesn’t hear anything for a while. When he wakes up, it’s to the sight of green tear-filled eyes watching him. He tries to speak but there is only a hoarse wheeze and Rafael gently fits a straw into his mouth, lets him suck down some water. It soothes the dry chafe in his throat and he tries again.

“What happened?”

“You got swiped by a bike courier who was swerving to avoid an open car door. Knocked you to the ground and you hit your head on the curb. You’ve been out for about four hours, but the doctor says there’s no sign of a bleed. You need to stay overnight for observation but then you should be cleared to go home.”

Sonny tries to nod as he takes it all in, but the movement hurts and he hisses as pain moves up his neck and into his temples.

“Rest now, _querido_.”

Rafael stays with him until he falls back asleep. He can hear the other man murmuring something but the words are wrapped in cotton as he drifts off and he can’t make them out.

The Lieu gives him two weeks off, and Rafael works out a schedule with Sonny’s sisters so he’s not left alone for long stretches of time. He even uses some of his own built up vacation time, which honestly should be all the proof Sonny needs that his workaholic boyfriend loves him.

It doesn’t stop the needy feeling, though, and one night, about a week into his mandated staycation, it slips out unbidden between bites of chili.

“Hey, Raf?”

“Hmm?”

“Why don’t you ever say ‘I love you’ back?”

Rafael stares at him, mouth slightly open and brow furrowed in confusion.

“What?”

Sonny fidgets with his cutlery.

“Every time I say ‘I love you’….you don’t say it back.”

Rafael continues to stare, and then blinks.

“Sonny, I tell you I love you all the time.”

Sonny shakes his head.

“You only say it if you’ve been drinking, or we’re, y’know,” his cheeks pinken, “if we’re in bed.”

Rafael pauses, and Sonny can see as his mind flips through memories. He can see the exact moment that Rafael comes to the conclusion that Sonny’s already reached, because his eyes widen a fraction.

“I never – I always think it, I just never thought I wasn’t saying it out loud. Sonny, sweetheart, I –.“

Sonny cuts him off with a wave of his hand.

“It’s nothing, y’know what, I’m just being silly. I know how you feel about me, I don’t need to hear a few dumb words.”

Rafael jumps up, comes around the table to kneel next to Sonny. He rests one hand gently on Sonny’s thigh, his thumb rubbing soft circles against his skin.

“No, Sonny, it’s not silly. I’m sorry, I should have been more cognizant of my words. You know I didn’t grow up in the most affirmative home, and I guess it’s just not something I think about. I do, Sonny, _mi amor_ , you have to know I love you so, so much.”

Sonny can practically hear his smile growing as he listens to Raf. He leans down to kiss Raf, groaning as the kiss deepens.

When they finally pull apart, Sonny ducks his head, feeling uncharacteristically shy.

“I did know. I mean, that you love me. I never doubted that. It’s just nice to hear sometimes, I guess.”

Rafael nods fervently.

“And you will, Sonny, every day. I’ll even have Carmen put in my calendar just to make sure I don’t forget."

Sonny laughs at that, but he can tell it’s only sort of a joke. Fearsome ADA Barba, bane of existence to defence lawyers and criminals alike, would absolutely have his legal secretary schedule daily affirmations of love, right between voir dire and bail hearings, if he thought it would help.

It turns out that Carmen’s assistance is not required. When Rafael promises something, he is a force of nature in making sure it gets done. Every phone call now ends with him saying it, even if it’s a hushed whisper on his way into a judge’s chambers. It’s almost like he feels the need to make up for the missed opportunities and when Sonny is back at work there are flower and food deliveries, each accompanied with a note, three words in bold pen strokes in the ADA’s writing.

And every time Sonny says “I love you”, Rafael looks Sonny in the eyes and says it right back.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to everyone who has already been so lovely and welcoming on Twitter - I'm literally always available to chat both there and Tumblr, same username across the board.


End file.
